Punch in the gut....

I got a message on my facebook page today from my brother's cousin letting me know that HER cousin had uploaded some old pictures of her from when she was little.... and that they were of she and Russ.
It's strange how I can lead a life so seperated from part of my past life, leaving me in a kind of ignorant bliss. I have this luxury, and I do consider it a luxury, especially when a quick message like this punches me in the gut, leaving me unable to think of anything else all day.
I hesitated to go and look at these pictures, knowing that I would immediately be drawn into a world of dealing with emotions that I work daily on trying to repress. (yes, I am big enough to admit this!) Obviously, I went and looked at the pictures... over and over and over again. I couldn't help but notice his smile, his cheeks that so resemble my boys when they smile, the "double" popsicle in his hand that my kids love... and tears flooded my eyes. My heart aches for all that should have been, could have been, never will be. Then my heart tears in two when I think of my mom.
Being a mom, looking at that picture, well, the word "pain" doesn't quite cover the emotion. He is gone, by HIS choice, a decision that, when I allow my mind to wander, I struggle with, get angry with, and feel completely helpless and guilt ridden with. How can that face, that smile, that hope and love decide that life isn't worth living? What makes THAT happen? I am positive I don't want to know. I am positive that I will NEVER know.
I allowed today to be a day where Russ lingered on my mind. I allowed the few memories that we had of a life together come back to me: Christmas when I was 3 or so, he pretended to be a magician and "magically" made the tinsel on the tree come to his hand (back in the day when tinsel was cool on trees), the night I was sent to my room for bad behavior (shock, I know!) and he entertained me with hand shadows on the wall, when I told my mom and Russ that I was going to marry Russ when I grew up because I loved him so much (then was immediately told that I couldn't because brothers and sisters couldn't marry, or at least it is HEAVILY frowned upon!), when Russ moved in with us during college and he brought a few of his friends home and begrudgingly introduced me to them and they immediately wanted to know if I was "legal" (a twisted compliment at the time!), when he and one of his girlfriends came to visit me in Atlanta (he was visibly happy and made out with her a LOT)... The memories were few, but I cling to them on these rare moments.
I look at that picture of him feeding me my bottle, me wonderingly looking up at him... Today, I look up again, this time to the heavens wondering....